This year, once a week, I’m leading discussions on American literature for a group of high school students.
To prepare for the class, I’m studying the material in depth.
It slows me down.
I’m getting more out of each book and hoping the students will, too.
As I learn to read carefully, utilizing resources I’ve pulled together for the students, I’ve learned to appreciate at a much greater depth the material, style, themes, conflict, characters, history, and context.
By slowing, I am gaining much more—and retaining more, as well.
The first book we tackled as a class was The Scarlet Letter.
I’ve collected all of the ideas and resources for that unit into one place: a post over at “ann kroeker. writer.”
Join me as I attempt to “Explore the Classics,” beginning with The Scarlet Letter.
Stack of books photo by Ann Kroeker. Page from The Scarlet Letter by Ted Cabanes accessed from stock.xchng.
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An article in The New York Times stood out to me at the end of September: Driven to Distraction–multi-tasking in the car is risky business.
Our high-speed culture seems compelled to get as much done as possible in every moment, multi-tasking in motion, even if it puts us and others at risk. The article focused on the dangers of attempting office work while zooming along at 60 mph.
The story began with a man named Paul Dekok, who used to talk on his cell phone regularly while on the road. He recalled a day when a job seemed so urgent, he “grabbed his cellphone to arrange a new shipment, cradling it between his left ear and shoulder, and with his right hand e-mailed instructions to his staff from his laptop computer — all while driving his rental car in a construction zone on a two-lane highway in North Carolina.”
He confesses, “I thought I was doing a great job because I was being productive … It’s an adrenaline rush. It’s the buzz we all get of trying to do everything you can in business.”
Another businessman, Sean Ryan, explained, “It’s a seconds-count economy.”
He schedules work calls to make his own 45-minute commute — from Boston to Framingham, Mass. — more productive.
At stop lights, he checks texts and e-mail messages. He does not want to miss something important, but he also sees the practice as a time saver. “I might as well get a quick e-mail taken care of, or at least delete spam,” he said. “When I get to the office, I’ve saved 15 to 20 minutes of work.”
But Mr. Ryan might want to rethink whether or not he’s truly saving that time—is he as productive as he thinks he is? The article referred to a growing body of studies suggesting that “such work may be less valuable than many people assume.”
The brain can effectively perform only one difficult task at a time, the article stated. When a person tries to multitask, important neural regions must switch back and forth, which takes time and is less efficient. When this is happening on the go, it means that some distraction is taking place. In fact, drivers sending a text or e-mail typically take their eyes off the road an average of five seconds.
Those five seconds of distraction–are they worth it?
The article tells the story of Samantha Dawn Earnest, who was driving down a quiet stretch of road with her three children, Jason, 7; Dakota, 5; and Hailey, 4. The kids were talking about decorating their bedroom walls, discussing a dinosaur vs. horse theme.
As Ms. Earnest crested a hill, a delivery truck “swerved into her car, spun it around and sent it careening across the highway. Jason died on impact.”
Ms. Earnest, stunned and bleeding, saw the truck driver walking toward her.
“I said, ‘Why, why, why?’ ” she recalled screaming at him. “He told me, ‘I just took my eyes off the road for a second because I was looking at my computer.’ ”
She started chasing him.
“I went into a mad rage,” she said. “If he’d said he’d fallen asleep, maybe I’d have understood. But using a computer?”
[The driver], 24, received a suspended sentence for negligent homicide, a misdemeanor, and the Earnest family sued Mr. Noe’s employer, the ADA Coca-Cola Bottling Company.
The company settled, and the terms of the agreement are confidential. ADA did not respond to requests for comment.
Some people feel safe using the hands-free option while driving, but the article said that several studies show that drivers using headsets are as likely to crash as someone holding the phone to their ear. Also, that risk has been compared to driving at the legal limit for intoxication.
It was good to read that some corporations are imposing bans on cell phone use while driving—not even allowing hands-free use—and have found that productivity has not suffered.
Mr. Dekok, who was highlighted at the beginning of the article, has changed his habits. Now if the phone rings while he is driving, he lets it go to voicemail. He stops along the way and responds to the message within about 30 miles. He also lets others handle problems in the office when he is on the road.
His conclusion?
“After you go cold turkey, and get rid of the cellphone when you drive, you see other people’s behavior,” he said. “It’s like getting sober and realizing everyone else is still drunk.”
Sure, we could insist that we’re more productive if we peek at that text or glance at a laptop screen while we’re in motion. Our love of efficiency and need to maximize every minute could convince us to take that call (and take that risk).
But declaring a phone-free/screen-free zone when the car is in motion could save a life.
Photos and images from stock.xchng. “No phone” image by Kriss Szkurlatowski.
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Some kids need encouragement to do their best and aim high; there are students who settle for average when they are capable of much more.
But some parents take it too far. The pressure is on for their children who are pushed to pursue an ideal. These parents believe it is necessary to push their sons and daughters toward a vision of success. The students must be driven to be the best if they are to compete in today’s world … or so the logic goes.
I read a book two years ago addressing this mindset called No More Push Parenting. An excerpt, “Introducing the Seven Hypes,” can be read here (and an excerpt from the excerpt follows):
Unfortunately, many of today’s parents, many of us, go at this whole parenting thing full tilt. For reasons, some good and some misguided, that we’ll explore, we feel that our child’s ultimate success is all up to us, and that the goal is to win, or to get our kids to win. This is not news to you. You’ve read the articles about test prepping for the best colleges that rivals astronaut training; bar mitzvahs that demand the financial and emotional fortitude of a Broadway producer; and athletic competition so fierce that it has actually been fatal to at least one parent.
Why are we so competitive when it comes to our children? Why are we convinced that it’s so important for them to have a dazzling resume? To have a “passion”? To stand out, in some way, from the crowd? What is it that makes intelligent, sensible parents prep their young child for an IQ test, or hire a sixty-dollar-an-hour coach for their beginning Little Leaguer, or drive a half hour after a busy work day to bring a toddler to an art class when everybody might be happier at home enjoying dinner or bath time?
What I have learned from countless parents is that just about no one wants to push, but most feel they must. They’ve come to believe in a fearful and anxious way that they as parents or, more crucially, their children will fall short in the relentless competition of everyday life if they don’t keep pushing.
For some families, however, the pressure, the speeding up, the pushing is not without consequences.
Much more recently, I picked up a used book with an intriguing title, The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do, by psychologists John C. Friel and Linda D. Friel (parents of three grown children). They warn of the consequences of pushing kids into too much.
One of the things on their list of worst things good parents do is to “Push Your Child into Too Many Activities” (Chapter 5).
A very bright psychologist raised her hand during the question-and-answer period of a professional seminar to ask:
“‘But what about all the advice the colleges and high schools are giving us, that our kids won’t get into the best universities unless they have umpteen million extracurricular activities on their resumes?”
The Friels’ answer?
It has two parts, they said.
Part 1: A Duke University senior told them, “The universities are looking for depth. Two outside accomplishments done with depth will go as far, if not farther, than umpteen million scattered activities that were obviously done to beef up one’s application.”
Part 2: Their (the Friels’) caseload is packed with young professionals whose parents pressed them to excel and achieve during high school and college in order to go to the best and become the best. These parents were motivated by the fear that their children would be miserable if they were anything but the best at the best. Sadly, their fear became reality—their children are indeed miserable, but not from falling short of being the best; rather, their children are miserable because of trying to be the best to the exclusion of everything else that is more important in life.
To illustrate, they cited studies found in Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (Daniel Goleman) that were conducted at Harvard in the 1940s.
The Harvard study revealed that men with the highest grades were less happy, less adjusted, less productive and had lower salaries and status in middle age than college peers who had lower grades in college.
The authors tell parents who wonder about kids’ activities and college admissions, “You can push your kids until they drop, and then push them a lot more, but the only thing you will produce are miserable adults who may become moderately successful in their careers, if they are lucky.”
Parents who drive their kids like this, these authors claim, will produce:
- children who are driven to fill in the void left by being emotionally neglected; or,
- children who don’t care about succeeding much at all because they’re so lonely, hurt and angry about being neglected.
They suggest evaluating your child’s current state. He or she may be just fine, but if your child is getting sick regularly (this can include emotional illnesses such as depression, addictions and getting stuck in destructive relationships), has no social life or social skills, has no time whatsoever to be with the family, is blunted emotionally, then it’s time for a change.
Some ideas to lessen the pressure and the pushing included lowering academic standards for a kid who is stressed out by grades. A child who feels pressured to go for a top university may need to know that a state university, community college or vocational school could be an equally good option—or even a better fit overall for their personality, interests, skills, goals, and health.
They recommend reading the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (I haven’t read it yet), and “you will discover that there is much more to success, to life and to happiness than getting straight As in school or going to an Ivy League university.”
We must be convinced to stand our ground and resist the relentless competition of everyday life … to slow down and embrace a different concept of success that refuses to compromise faith, friends and family.
Let’s stay slow enough to maintain our deepest values.
And let’s help each other stay strong when the voices are loudest.
Pressure cooker photo from stock.xchng
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Dan King over at High Calling Blogs posted “The Secret Ingredient” today about community in our culture … and how Americans don’t really seem to talk much anymore; how we don’t truly connect.
His post reminded me of a time when we were making plans to have another family over for dinner. As we were discussing the get-together, they said, “So, after we eat at your house, what will we do? I suppose we’ll just sit around and … talk?”
“Um, yes. What would you do at someone else’s house?”
“Watch a movie or maybe a football game.”
“Oh, well, we just talk. I hope that’s okay. We’ll ask lots of questions if things drag a little!”
They came over and not only did they survive an evening without “entertainment” filling in the slower, quiet moments, but I think they actually had a good time.
I’ve thought a lot about their concern that we would just talk. They wondered what we would do and how we would fill all that time. We Americans are so used to noise and entertainment, this may be one of many challenges to building community and conversation in our culture.
I agree with Dan that the speed at which we live in our “microwave-fast culture” is also a major hurdle. Few of us take time to stop and sit down and talk, whether as a family or with friends. The culture itself works against this value, so we have to be intentional to make it happen.
This is so important and so hard.
Sometimes I take inspiration from my European relatives, who are located in Belgium and France. When we’re visiting, we’ve been part of multi-course meals that stretch out all evening.
And what do they do during each of those courses and in-between?
How do they fill all that time?
They talk.
If you long to slow down, you can do the same.
Invite people over.
Share a meal.
Talk.
It’s a way to counter the culture without making a dramatic, disruptive, long-term change. Plus, you’ll have a chance to build community while you’re slowing down!
Try to schedule a dinner in the next few weeks with some friends.
Don’t schedule it around a football game (I know that’s almost impossible this time of year, but try).
Don’t rent a movie as a back-up plan.
Just plan a meal (it doesn’t have to be a multi-course affair; in fact, Americans don’t seem to mind a pitch-in).
And then?
For one night, reclaim conversation.
Does the thought of sustaining that much conversation intimidate you like it did my friends? Here are some slow-down solutions to help you enjoy connection and reclaim conversation:
- Ask curious, open-ended questions. Decide how in-depth this group of people will want to go. If this is a group of friends from church intending to dig deeper into each other’s lives, you can ask different questions than you would with a group of neighbors who are just getting acquainted. Either way, however, open-ended questions are the way to get people responding with more than one sentence or one word.
- Listen. Our culture is influenced by creative media presentations on TV and film that overlap images, sound and text; plus, almost everyone is accustomed to multi-tasking and dividing attention, half-listening to a conversation while texting someone else, for example. This encourages and supports interruption, which stifles and shuts down meaningful conversation. Fight the urge to overlap or interrupt. Try to focus completely on the speaker and listen carefully and actively to what he or she is saying. Even repeat back part of what was said to be sure you understood completely.
- Ask follow-up questions. Sometimes people will cut themselves off for fear of dominating the conversation. If everyone seems to be enjoying the direction of a person’s story or response, ask a follow-up question to bring them out a little more.
- Encourage stories. When people tell their stories, we get to know them better. Plus, one story may spark a memory in someone else, leading to more stories.
- Use pre-fab questions. Check out Garry D. Poole’s The Complete Book of Questions (you should be able to sample 99 “Light and Easy” questions from the book at this link). Though it might seem a little contrived to pull out a book of pre-printed questions, this simple tool can get people laughing and sharing right away should things drag a little. Pinpoint five to ten questions ahead of time that may fit the group that’s gathered around your table (or living room, if the meal is finished and you’ve migrated to couches with coffee and dessert). There are other books of questions available, but Garry’s is organized so that the questions go deeper and deeper as the numbers go higher, moving toward more spiritually focused topics.
- Be vulnerable. Without overwhelming or oversharing, be willing to offer something a little vulnerable to take a conversation deeper than small talk. The appropriate depth depends upon the group and the goal of the evening. You can lead the way without hogging the conversation by modeling a vulnerable response.
- Relax and have fun! Regardless of the flow of conversation or topics explored, one key to reclaiming conversation is to be relaxed and enjoy yourself. If the host is uptight, the conversation might be stilted and awkward, as guests might be concerned about doing something upsetting. Lead the way with a smile, mood and tone that encourage a comfortable atmosphere.
I invite you to report back on your gathering with observations, lessons learned, and valuable recommendations.
Photo of Europeans in conversation by Ann Kroeker.
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L.L. Barkat hosts Poetry Friday at Seedlings in Stone and Random Acts of Poetry (RAP) every other Friday at HighCallingBlogs.
The poetry prompt she provided that some participants utilized was as follows:
Poetry prompt: We’ve been celebrating ’slowing.’ Make a “word pool” of at least five slow words. Yeah, I guess molasses counts. But verbs are good too. Create a poem using a minimum of one of your slow words, but feel free to use the whole pool.
At RAP, she featured poems that recognize the “blessing of being ’slowed.’”
Click over to read through some of the words.
You’ll find yourself sitting quietly.
breathing.
deeply.
You may find yourself
being slowed.
Enjoy the rhythm
rhyme
and restful pace that
each voice offers.
L.L. recommends starting daily poetry reading habit and…
a daily poetry writing habit.
Whether reading or writing it daily or weekly,
poetry is a wonderful way to slow down.
Photo of a boy in a hammock by Ann Kroeker.
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Sometimes circumstances force a family to slow down.
Like the flu.
If your family is forced to stay home thanks to H1N1 or some other flu bug, this may be your chance to live a temporarily less-frenzied life.
Here are some ideas for you to experiment with on the days you’re stuck at home:
- Set out a puzzle and encourage everyone to place a few pieces throughout the day.
- Start a read-aloud book.
- Have tea time mid-morning or in the afternoon. Take tea, water (or a drink with electrolytes) to the sick ones along with a simple little snack. Take it on a tray and it’ll seem rather fancy, even if the snack is just toast with jam.
- Bake some whole grain bread or a casserole that smells nourishing and comforting.
- If those who are feeling sick can come to the table for dinner, spiff things up with a tablecloth and candles. Just because someone’s sick doesn’t mean dinner can’t be special. (If mom or dad are the sick ones, ask an older sibling to set the table nicely. My 8- and 11-year-olds enjoy this task and take it seriously, making place cards and adding a little centerpiece.)
- Turn on soft music to create a soothing ambiance both for dinner and all day.
- Get a classic film from the library to watch together—they’re so much slower paced than recent films.
- Or … enjoy doing nothing. Sometimes the best thing for a frenzied family to do when forced to slow down is just rest and relax.
- Go to bed early without watching the late-night news.
- After running a lukewarm bath to cool down the sick ones, scrub down the tub and draw some nice, warm water (toss in some bath salts) for the primary caregiver to ease him or herself into it.
- If you’re staying up with a feverish child, spend some of those hours in prayer.
If you find yourself forced into a slow-down situation, make the most of it.
And get well soon!
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There’s a whole lot of slowing going on.
People all over the blogosphere and sharing their slow-down stories.
Read more HERE.
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We all zoom through life so fast that small moments—events or interactions that might matter—can get lost or forgotten in the hubbub of the next thing.
There’s no time to ponder or pray about anything that stands out to us—if it hits us, it’s only for a fleeting moment before we move on.
No time to linger over some cute phrase the preschooler exclaimed over lunch, right? No time to stop and stare at the heron soaring overhead or the frost patterns glittering across the window pane. There’s always the next thing—it’s time to rinse those dishes and head out the door for gymnastics!
Next time something stirs you, or you sense a tug toward someone, or a phrase stands out in something you read or hear—stop.
Don’t rush off.
Take it in.
Sometimes all we need is the time it takes to breathe in deeply and out slowly. Sometimes we need to try to engage our whole selves to live fully in that moment … even if only for a moment.
My friend calls these “falling star” moments, alluding to the song that says “Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket/Never let it fade away!/Catch a falling star an’ put it in your pocket/Save it for a rainy day!” She says that the early years of parenting were such a blur, she regrets that she didn’t pause more often to drink in the beauty, laughter, joy, wonder and delight. But it’s not to late to begin the practice; she’s trying to be slower, to linger in the moment before rushing off to accomplish the next item on the to-do list.
I’m trying to do the same.
After I pause to take it all in, I take one of Anne Lamott’s signature pieces of advice for writers: “always carry a pen.” Or a pencil. And a 3×5 card.
Does that add up to three pieces of advice?
Well, the point is that after we’ve taken in as much of a moment as possible, we can capture it.
If we make a habit of carrying a writing utensil and something on which to write, then when we see or hear something that makes us smile or wince or gasp, we can hang on to it.
It’s a way to return to it later, to think about it. If I’ve written it down, I can look back and remember in order to pray about it, or share it with someone else.
It’s a way to put it in my pocket … and not let it fade away.
Today, try to keep your senses alert and stick a 3×5 card in your back pocket.
Then it’s there, to help you catch a falling star.
Or, perhaps, an apple.
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Not So Fast was reviewed on Breakpoint today!
Listen HERE
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In our fast-paced world, even our thoughts run at top speed. It’s a challenge to resist the speed of television, nonstop music lyrics, and the influx of words on computer screens in order to slowly and deliberately think, ponder, contemplate or reflect.
Taking in information and ideas is an important step in thinking and learning. And when it comes to spiritual matters—truth from God’s Word—it’s crucial to take it in and chew on it.
As I read from the One-Year Bible this morning, I read the verse from Colossians 1:10 that says, “And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.”
I stopped in particular on just the phrases “live a life worthy of the Lord and … please him in every way.”
I thought, This is what I want my life to be: worthy of the Lord, pleasing Him in every way.
So I scribbled that out on a note card and stuck it in my pocket. I’d pull it out to remember those phrases and think about them on and off throughout the morning. I prayed it, too. “I want to live a life worthy of You, Lord. I want to please You in every way.”
And I thought, “I want to please Him, but I don’t.”
So I ask for grace, too … grace to be worthy. Grace to please Him.
The grace to be those things for Him comes from Him.
I’m just a child holding out her hand to Him, to receive what He has to offer me that will make me more worthy and more pleasing to Him.
LL Barkat has me thinking about Mary, the mother of Jesus. When Mary was told, “You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end,” she answered very simply, pleasing God in every way by yielding to Him:
“I am the Lord’s servant … May it be to me as you have said.”
At the beginning of her life—and her Son’s—she said something very close to what her Son would say to His Father toward the end of His: “not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22: 42).
Jesus pleased the Lord in every way.
And now He helps us please Him, when we yield, submitting to the Father.
Throughout her life, Mary listened and watched and thought. After the shepherds visit, “Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart” (Luke 2:19). And when they found Jesus at the temple, He said, “Why were you searching for me? … Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?” Neither Joseph nor Mary understood what he was saying to them, the passage says, but Jesus went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.
And Mary took it all in. She “treasured all these things in her heart” (Luke 2:51).
I’m no Mary. But I’m trying to listen, watch and think. I want to yield and submit to the Father’s will.
I want to slow down enough to notice and store up what the Lord is revealing, treasuring all these things in my heart.
And I hope that in some way, by God’s grace, I might please Him.
** Visit LL Barkat’s Seedlings in Stone, where she is giving away a copy of The Real Mary: Why Evangelical Christians Can Embrace the Mother of Jesus.
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